lately...

i have been doing a lot of thinking and less gloating.

i am finding it easy to let go of just about anything - a person, a grudge, an obsession...

i'm getting scared of not being able to know how to hold on to what really matters

and even more scared of not being able to know who really matters

i am getting more comfortable in my own skin which is even more scary than not knowing what to do and being tacky and not knowing which fork to use...

i don't even get jealous of happy couples anymore

i find selling over-priced roses on valentines day better than finding a date

i have found myself too many times thinking of trying all the things i didn't even deem worth my time or my presence

i am starting not to care

but i AM also starting to care.

have i turned jaded? have i totally convinced myself i AM really invincible? or am i really getting old?

i went to bed 19 and woke up 35. kafkaish.

absence.

I visited the place where we last met.
Nothing was changed, the gardens were well-tended,
The fountains sprayed their usual steady jet;
There was no sign that anything had ended
And nothing to instruct me to forget.

The thoughtless birds that shook out of the trees,
Singing an ecstasy I could not share,
Played cunning in my thoughts. Surely in these
Pleasures there could not be a pain to bear
Or any discord shake the level breeze.

It was because the place was just the same
That made your absence seem a savage force,
For under all the gentleness there came
An earthquake tremor: Fountain, birds and grass
Were shaken by my thinking of your name.

(elizabeth jennings)